Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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