Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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