theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
