Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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