checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
