I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
