The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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