Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
