Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
And then my night got REAL pukey
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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