So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
