We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
