Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
