You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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