Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
