I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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