where am i from again
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
