I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
