i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I fill condoms, not promises.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
