I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
