I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
if only i could text you this smell
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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