this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
