i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
