Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
