why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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