He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We are two peas in an std pod
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
