I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
