This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
