Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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