Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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