We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
