I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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