Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
