believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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