you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
