found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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