omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
