Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
