I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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