youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
