Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
