she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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