3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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