I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
