I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
