I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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