Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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