He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
