I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
