It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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