S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
